I sort of feel continuously shit right now, and I'm mad at myself about this because in the grand scheme of things, and considering what a bunch of my friends are going through, I really have no reason to be anything but fine right now.

My weight, as nearly always, is bothering me so much right now. I actually lost quite a bit in America which is odd, normally I put weight on because there's so much out there I want to eat, but this time I was ill in New York, and spent quite a bit of time feeling anxious in Chicago so sort of didn't want to eat as much as usual. However since coming back I've felt ridiculously unattractive near constantly, and despite having bought quite a few new outfits recently every day when I try and get dressed for whatever I'm doing I feel fat and ugly in every outfit and sort of just want to go back to bed and not have to see anyone.


Paradoxically I'm also vaguely lonely, which on the one hand is perhaps to be expected when I'm living at home and all my friends are off at uni, but at the same time I was lonely all of last year whilst living at uni myself, and at least I've been going to see people, and people have been visiting. Diane is going to be staying with me again for an indefinite period of time soon so that might solve the lonliness problem.

On top of that all I've been doing recently is ridic long shifts at work, coming home to sleep, and waking up ridic early to go to either the next shift at work, or uni where I inevitably end up getting offended by one of the people I hang out with. Today my uni lecturer Jarno, who is often pretty un pc anyway said something I found transphobic and insulting. He said "if you have a problem with it, take it up with Teresa" (a faculty head I guess) and I don't know if I should or not, but I did find it offensive. Anyway all of this just leaves me feeling tired and annoyed and it all seems fairly pointless because I owe so much money, and don't have time to spend it and mostly I just want to sleep and not bother with anything for a week or so.

Annnnyyyywwwaaaayyyy. Self indulgent whining aside, on Friday when my money comes through I want to treat myself with what I have left of my earnings, so I'll finish with a poll:

Poll #1484005
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 8

What ridiculous dvd should I buy to cheer myself up?

Incredibly thrillingly I got the job at Waterstones. I wish it was a full term job and not just a christmas one because I love books and would love to work there full time, but I'll take what I can get!

Currently Diane and I are visiting Elly, her Exeter housemates are lovely, if a little fond of getting naked when drunk. Today I went to see my brother in his Exeter house, I've never actually visited him in Exeter before. He's going to cook Elly and I dinner in December when I come to Exeter to see Gallows which could be good, or could be disgusting. We'll see.#

I've fallen in love with pumpkin, so on Sunday when they're all cheap because it's after halloween I'm going to go buy some and attempt to cook things with it, because I had it last night and it was delicious (Chris and Dave...do you think Starbucks would do a pumpkin hot chocolate as I don't like coffee based drinks? Maybe I'll try that if I'm ever in America in pumpking season again...).

Then today this was in my inbox and I laughed:


Tomorrow we're going surfing with all Elly's housemates, I will probably fall off, hit my head, and drown. Fun times!

Today I had a job interview for a temporary Christmas job at Waterstones. I would love to work at Waterstones because it's a book shop, and I muchly enjoy reading. Also, probably weirdly, I actually really enjoy interviews. I'm good at interviews, I've never gone for an interview and not gotten the job, which has quite possibly jinxed this job for me now but knock wood I'll be ok.

And then afterwards I went to get a cup of tea with that boy I mentioned in my previous post that works at the tea shop. Basically I went in there again on Saturday, and as he came to give us a free (illegal) refill of our teapots, he gave me a card with his number on. THIS NEVER HAPPENS TO ME! So I was a bit excited about that, and we'd been texting each other, and I added him on facebook, (sidenote story, on facebook he's friends with some people I went to school with, including Fay Newsome who was the first girl I ever had a crush on, and I was ridiculous about her, like I could barely form proper sentences in front of her, even though we had quite a few classes together) and then today we went to Costa and had a cup of tea. I tend to often talk myself out of liking people, and find faults with them fairly quickly, especially when it's someone who I immediately start interacting with in a potential-relationship way, but we got on really well, we have loads of similar interests, and yeah...stuff like this never happens to me and he is terrible attractive, and I'll see him when I get back from visiting Elly in Exeter with Diane this week I guess!

Last night Chris had his last speaking for a while in Sydney, Nat got up and said stuff afterwards and she sent me what she said which made me cry. I wish I could've been there, because whilst he's on his indefinite hiatus I am going to miss that kid so much. Regardless of what any of you think about his form of art, his involvement in the scene or his friends, some of the best times I've had the past couple of years have been when I've been out on tour with him, or when I've been staying at his in his teenage boy basement flat, with his ridiculous friends, in his wonderful city, and the thought that I'm no longer guaranteed two, two week long visits from him a year makes me so incredibly sad, because he's one of the best people I know, I have never yet gotten tired of hearing him speak, even on the last day of an 8 date tour when I've heard the same story 7 days running already, and he's one of my favourite people to hang out with.


Hey Ho, uni tomorrow and then Diane and I are off to stay with Elly in Exeter for 5 days which will be terribly enjoyable, as they're another two of the people I include in my list of the best people I know.

Currently Diane is here for a visit. This is fairly fantastic obviously, and today we went into good old Maidstone to book her in for her first tattoo, and do a bit of shopping. Because we're obviously very cool we now own matching style hats and jumpers (just a colour difference). Then we had lunch at this cafe, and as you may have read on twitter, got served by a tattoo-ed, smaller eared, Merlin lookalike who's favourite tea is Earl Grey. It doesn't get much better than that, let's be honest.

Then we came to my mums and took a bazillion photo's on her webcam showing off our nearly matching outfits. I apologise so much for what you're about to see...




( Honestly, there really aren't that many pictures under this cut. I am not lying in the slightest... )

Today I had my first meeting with my dissertation supervisor, so now I get to go home and start working on it properly. More importantly however, swoon, I have such an intellectual crush on this guy! Like, not aesthetically interested at all, though he's not unattractive, just a bit long haired and enthusiastic about facial hair for my liking.

He's a complete feminist, and his lectures are always amazing, and we just had a discussion about the current perception of emo, and he's sent me some stuff already for the dissertation. Basically I could talk to him for ages. I think I need to stop liking hardcore kids and find a university professor, that'd be awesome.

So yes, that's that. Looking forward to our future phonecalls and meetings in London to discuss progress.

In other news Diane has been having a few issues up north so she's coming down to stay with me for a couple of weeks. Its going to be good, I've been pretty bored and lonely recently because september and the beginning of October was filled with amazing people and travelling and doing things and was basically awesome so only being in uni around people for 2 mornings a week has been making me feel pretty shit about everything. So yeah, having her around to keep me company will be good.

Eventually I'll post pictures of my new tattoo, a better picture than the one on twitter, but I really can't be bothered right now!

So, vaguely more informative update now that I'm back from uni. Honestly, mostly I'm just updating to share a gem from my sister. Basically, she went to Reaing University this year, and I've been emailing her about her progress. There's this guy in her flat, Chris, who sounds like a complete idiot. He keeps doing creepy things like going in her room while she's sleeping, and the other day I had an argument with him on facebook in the comments on her status, and then today she said the following in regards to him:

"but gah he has now asked me to lunch SIX times and dinner once - because of him i now no longer 'eat lunch' because that was the first excuse i could think of to get out of eating lunch with him indefinately :D"

So yes, rather than just say to some guy "actually I kinda find you creepy, I'd rather eat lunch with my friends" Elin would rather just not eat lunch for the next year to avoid it. This is the reason that to date, she has been in 'relationships' with three boys she didn't want to date but couldn't bring herself to say no to for fear of hurting their feelings. She is definitely my sister, I've gone on dates with people for the exact same reasons, I just always manage to get out of actually going out with them. Sigh.

However, there's some guy Will that she has a few pictures with, he's pretty cute looking, and apparently they've gone out a few times and he both looks and sounds pretty sane so that's awesome for her! He is 23, which is obviously too old for my little sister, but I'll just have to go and beat him up if her hurts her.

Puppy has missed me in my absence, really he has, he just didn't want to sit still long enough to take a picture hence why it looks like I'm strangling him in this:



Tonight I'm going to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show avec ma mere and her boyfriend. I have never seen it before, I know, I know, this is a travesty.

That might have been the worst plane ride of my life.

I had a bit of cry in the car with Chris on the way to the airport (for which I am blaming Chris and Nat though really its nothing to do with them and more to do with the fact that I'm fed up of feeling like there's something wrong with me) and so was feeling pretty miserable as it is. And then the inflight entertainment was broken so I though oh that's ok, I'll listen to my sleep playlist on my ipod and attempt to sleep, except my sleep playlist needs to be renamed as "a playlist of really fucking miserable songs, good only for inspiring the thrusting open of veins" and so then I spent most of the flight home on/off crying because I'm pretty darn pathetic.

On the tube home now though, and looking forward to a cup of tea at Victoria Station. Had a text greeting me from my father that said "try not to get too upset but a member of boyzone died in the night" only I just saw the "try not to get upset" part and immediately thought my puppy had died. My dad's an arse, but I'm fairly fond of him.

Misery and moping aside, Chicago still remains my favourite place in the world, with some of my favourite people, and the next week I have a new tattoo, Denni, and a visit from Tori to look forward to. And uni, but we don't mention that.

Reason #369 million why some aspects of christianity in America are silly. Inspired by conversations with Rachel.

In God We Trust only got added onto american bills at the beginning of the cold war, with all the hysteria over the Red Scare and McCarthyism. They want to play up the supposedly opposite values of christiantiy in order to counter the communist/socialist threat.

My thing is though...Jesus did the whole feeding of the five thousand, and then all that stuff about riches and wealth being bad, and then he healed people for free with no need for health insurance. I'm going to be honest, if jesus did exist, I'm pretty sure he was a communist. He'd be all for a public health option, and taxing the richer people. I don't think a lot of americans are reading the same bible I've read in the past.

I have realised I really fail at being a tourist. Not that I came out to Chicago to see the sights or anything, just to visit friends, but mostly on this trip I've hung out in a lot of different places with free wifi in new york (must have spent a good three hours in the MSG boarders), sat in Starbucks with Chris, Dave, and other friends of theirs three times, helped Dave do laundry, and sat in Chris' apartment playing Call of Duty.

Currently I'm in Champaign, Illinois visiting Rach. She's in a seminar right now, hence me updating lj, but I'm getting to see an American campus, which is vaguely touristy right? And last night we went out to The Piano Man, which is awesome. Its just a club, with this guy on the piano, who knows a million songs and he just plays for five hours while everyone else gets steadily more drunk, and sings along progressively more loudly. I may not have been drunk, but I definitely sung along! Tonight we may or may not be going to karaoke.

Back in Chicago Chris did take Nat, Katrina and I on a drive through the city pointing out things, which is vaguely touristy, and on Friday Dave is taking me to some spot which apparently has the best view of the Chicago skyline among other things, so...thats a bit of tourism right there.

So far I have managed to eat sweet potato fries from Clarks twice. Once with Chris, Dave and Jim on Monday, and once yesterday when I went and got some for lunch before getting on a greyhound to see Rach. I think I need to try and sneak at least one more portion of them in before leaving, because they are possibly the best thing ever, especially dipped in ranch dressing. (shut up).

But yeah, that's about it. I fly home on Saturday, and I kinda really don't want to, but also I should probably go back to uni, what with it being my final year and everything.

Tonight I saw Gallows play a headlining show at a Reggies, it was awesome but also odd in comparison to seeing them in London. Regardless it was a half hour/45 minute set, and it started with a fight and ended with a fight. The ending fight involved Chris and Pete being thrown out of the club, and Dave, Jim, myself and a bunch of other friends of Chris trailing out in confusion. Awesome times!

Currently its 03:35 am and I'm sitting on Chris's couch, not being able to sleep despite it being this late/early, with a cup of tea, because Awkward yet Hilarious things are happening.

I love Chicago so much, both the city itself and the people I know here are pretty fantastic.

So many awesome things have happened recently, however I don't really think I can be bothered to update about them fully so here, have bullet point format:

John Barrowman
Gareth David Lloyd (by awesome, I mean hilariously awkward)
Simon Amstell
The plane food on my flight to NY
New York hotel, and last nights long sleep
Seeing Natalie Biz for the first time in over a year
How many places in America have free wireless

Things I have yet to look forward to:
Seeing Chris, Dave and Rach in the near future
Eating at all of the places I love in Chicago
Seeing The Academy Is...in Minneapolis
Possibly seeing Dear Jack

Things that have been, or will be less than awesome:
Being sick right now
Watching My Sisters Keeper on the flight over and weeping for the entire film, resulting in an atrocious headache
The 17 hour greyhound journey tonight (I will probably look shocking when you meet me at the coach station Chris, I warn you now :p)

I was dissapointed by Pinkberry, though it was tasty, but I'm currently drinking my first tea in about 36 hours and its delicious.

Nat has bought 11 dolls/figurines this trip. Two Captain Jacks, Ten, Ianto, Captain John, a weevil (this was actually free with jack, ianto and john), Oscar Wilde, Old Spock, Sulu, Uhura, and Checkov. She has problems, bless her.

Today I helped my mum out by attending this seminar she was giving on marketing for companies, she needed an extra person to attend to make up an even number, so I sat along all day and improvised a company I wanted to start.

Then we came home and had Indian, and some really old lady came along asking for donations for the Salvation Army, and even though I had giving to religious charities she was really old and doddery and the walk to mums front door is pretty long and she looked like it'd nearly killed her, so I felt guilty and gave her a bit, I was unimpressed with the obvious guilt trip, I'm sure they could've sent a young 'un along the road with long drives.



Then yesterday ( I went and did this... )

Slightly delayed, but as promised in my last ranty angry entry, here's one filled with all sorts of fun and pictures of things I've been doing since. I'm cutting it because I'm kind and expecting it to be long!

( My September so far-All pictures in this post taken by Nat or Katrina who hopefully wont mind me nabbing them off Nat's laptop )

Things I hate about working for the royal mail:

-People making comments both in jest and in serious about how if I like they'll switch me onto a job likely to cause less broken nails
-Guys warning me that a sack's going to be heavy, despite the fact that a)I'm clearly not struggling at all, and b)they're dragging their own sack along in a pathetic fashion
-The guy who said "nice tats" but was clearly commenting on the things below my tattoo that are spelt almost the same if you switch the a for an I (especially annoying as this is not true, they're insignificant and a constant cause for despair!)
-All the rampant sexism in general
-The guys who chat to me whilst sitting next to me sorting letters, and seem to think I'm going to appreciate their ridiculously racist comments.
-The guys who make really bad jokes, whether they say them sarcastically, or actually think they're funny
-How much half the people there swear. Let's be honest, out loud I don't really swear that much, I'm not particularly fussed by swearing but when every other word is fuck it just gets a tad tedious. The english language is rich and varied! Why not branch out a bit!
-Small talk. I'm pretty antisocial when it comes to people I don't know and have no interest in getting to know. Id much rather just do the work in silence and get on with it than engage in the generic "oh what uni do you go to? What do you study? What music do you like then?" Etc

Complaining over I do like money, and the works quite physical which means I'm potentially losing a bit of weight whilst working.

On the subject of weight, the past few days have been bad, I keep feeling the need to change my outfit a billion times because the mirror makes me want to cry. Thinking about it though, I think one of the main reasons I hate the way I look is because I blame it for being the reason people I like never like me back. And then I think I get so hung up on my weight as a result of this because its better than the alternative. Appearances are easy to change provided you've got money and/or willpower, and also tastes in looks are so varied that someones bound to like the way you look, but if the reason people don't like you is you as an actual person then its a lot harder to change. I'd always rather people disliked me because I'm fat than because I'm annoying, or dull, or selfish, or mean.

Sorry, I just spent 4 hours emptying ridiculously heavy sacks into carts, I'm feeling grumpy and full of complaints. Tomorrow when I've slept I'll do an update about how wonderful having Denni to stay was last week, and how yesterday I met Amanda Fucking Palmer and she was beautiful and nice and amazing in general, and how I've got two australians in my house at the moment causing me hours of endless amusement with their hilarious kangaroo ways.

Friday to Sunday (2am Monday morning?) I worked at V Festival in the bars. It was particularly hellish because they were 12 hour shifts, the glare of the sun combined with the smell of alcohol gave me a splitting headache, and I was on my feet so much I thought I might keel over. As a result you've possibly seen me complaining constantly on twitter about how much I didn't want to go work reading, because of how much I hate camping.


I take it all back! (Well almost all) because the tent is more comefortable when there's only one person, though I do wish Elly was here, the shower I had this morning was fantastic, the dcss compount is a minute away from my tent and there's free tea and electricity plugs so I can charge both myself and my phone, and I'm working Campsite Control which involves sitting in a large warm room, with free tea, writing down and reporting emergencies in the campsites. Plus I'm working nights so will tiredly be able to go watch bands. Plus this guy who was working Taste and who I find vaguely attractive is campint next to me. The only annoying thing is the people near me are loud, and last night I was trying to sleep but they were playing the guitar outside my tent till ridic late/early and as I didn't know them I couldn't tell them to shut up. The worst was this guy who'd play all these different songs, except the guitar part sounded exactly the same for each song, and his singing...oh my god, his vocal style of choice was this kinda growl/groan/squeaky style, I did not approve, but he just kept singing song after song in this horrific voice and I think he was waiting for people to congratulate him. And he punctuated the singing with talking loudly about all this bullshit about Courtney Love/Hole which people were disagreeing with, and I got curious and googled and he was wrong but clearly one of those people that love to voice their (often wrong) opinions to all and sundry!

But anyway, that cock aside I am actually glad I'm here, its going to be fun

Sometimes I'm just a walking talking bunch of cliches

I always sing in the shower, today I started off with a bit of Britney, moved on to a selction from Phantom of the Opera, and finished with a bit of les mis (to be fair though I sing most of the time so singing in the shower isn't too much of a surprise).

I'm English, and addicted to tea. Today's count is more than I like to think about.

I'm a Chem fan, and spend a ridiculous amount of time feeling miserable.

Sometimes I contradict myself a bit though, I like to think of myself as a feminist, titles aside I hate sexism in any way, shape or form, and yet at the same time I spend a ridiculous amount of time worrying about people, and lets face, guys I like in particular, thinking me fat or unattractive or badly dressed. At the moment I'm feeling particular miserable about how long it's been since I've been in a relationship, and it's not even just because of the fact there *are* people I'd like to be with right now, it's because I'm convinced there's something wrong with me, either looks or personality, to make people not want to go out with me.



Ho hum. This morning Rach flew to America for a year, I meant to ring her before she left but I'm a Bad Friend and have either been busy working, or felt too shitty to want to talk to anyone, even someone as wonderful as her, and didn't phone her in time. I'm going to miss her ridiculous amounts, she's one of the few people I actually enjoy talking to on the phone so fuck knows how I'll survive without her to call and rant to on a weekly basis. I may have to persuade mother to let me download Skype on her laptop as mine is being donated to Elin for when she goes to uni, because I need a regular dose of Rach. Next time I see her we'll both be in Chicago though, so that'll be fun at least.

Sometimes, despite him giving me a ridiculous nickname and enjoying Twilight, Chris is my favourite.

There are so many DVD's I want right now! Finding Neverland, Changeling, Blind Dating, Good Will Hunting, Queer as Folk Series 4, Milk, Wilde, Easy Virtue, the list goes on, but alas all my money is being saved up for other things, I can't even afford cheap amazon prices right now. And lets not even get started on my list of CD's I need.

On tv at the moment is Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, and I'm watching it because Angelina is in it, but so far all I've seen is a swooshy black cloaked female figure which could've been her, but the bried potential glimpses are nowhere near enough to make up for how much Jude Law I'm having to sit through. I dislike Jude Law. He's a cock.

Yesterday and today I worked at the Royal Mail, tomorrow I will probably sit around doing very little. My life is so wonderfully dull at the moment, however in about three weeks time my house will be full of convicts, it'll be awesome!

Needs more Angelina Jolie.

EDIT. Alright, Angelina just arrived, and she's not evil, instead she's wonderful and seems to dislike Jude Law as much as I do so thats a positive!

Various comments and criticisms on some situations involving americans/america. ( This post does include thoughts on the words and actions of american christians, and whilst I've tried my hardest not to be offensive we all know I can fail spectacularly where that's concerned so please don't click this link if you think it might offend, and apologies if it does because that's not my intention, I'm mainly just musing )

Diane is currently in America all summer on the Camp America program, however as when she leaves university she wants to be a care worker for people with special needs, she's working at an autism camp.

The past couple of weeks she's been calling me on her break everyday as she has an international phone card with 800 minutes on it, all of which she seems to be using on me. So far she's been bitten by a 37 year old who left a scar (I'm looking forward to seeing that obviously) been sat on by a lady called Natalie who likes to hum a tune non stop, more frantically and loudly when she gets upset, and who is apparently ever so slightly obese, and a couple of nights ago she got to sing some jewish songs with a jewish camper in the talent contest, and was very put out when the camper opted out of doing their crazy rehearsed dance moves and just stood there with a microphone, leaving Diane to caper embarassingly round the stage. All in all, she's obviously therefore having a fantastic time!

So today when she rang it was her day off, so we chatted for a good hour, and I put her on speakerphone so I could play the piano down the phone to her, she was very impressed with my terribly piano playing skills, and definitely wasn't humouring me in the slightest.

To be honest there is no way I could do what she's doing right now, and despite having a couple of breakdowns, being ridiculously exhausted most of the time, and struggling to eat the food that's on offer, she's doing amazingly, and is pretty darn fantastic.

Today Chris informed me that he liked the Twilight film...he got sucked in by Kristin Stewart's angsty hotness, and then ended up actually enjoying it. This fact wounds me deeply, I may never recover, those books/that franchise in general is one of my favourite things to hate.

Then the newest Prince Caspian film was on and I watched it because Ben Barnes makes me swoon a bit (how excited am I to see him in The Picture of Dorian Grey? The answer would be very) but ended up thinking about how much the Narnia books annoy me these days. This is a slight pattern of books from my youth; I loved them deeply when I was younger, and now just get irritated by things that didn't concern me then. With the Narnia books I now get annoyed by how they're all one big christian metaphor, with Famous Five who were my other main love I now get annoyed by how George has to stay at home/in the cave/in the abandoned ruins they're camping out in to stop the smugglers and cook and clean because she's a girl so she's not allowed to stop the ghost trains. At least the swallows and amazons books are still awesome, they don't have gender stereotypes and christian metaphors, and I'm pretty sure that when I was reading up about Oscar Wilde recently, I read something positive about arthur ransome in regards to Robbie Ross being awesome and Alfred Douglas being a cock.

Tonight I've been really wishing I was more creative. I get incredibly envious of people with creative talents like, I can write essays well, I can churn them out easily, but I can't write fiction. I like to think I can sing, but only other peoples songs I could never write anything myself, either music or lyrics. It bums me out, I want to have a talent dammit!

In vaguely related news I've been practising and teaching myself the piano recently with a lot more determination than usual. I'm pretty shit at it but I'm learning a new song daily which isn't so bad. One day I'd like to be able to accompany myself on it properly, but we'll see. Nats bringing the Buffy the Musical sheet music with her when she comes to stay which will be hilarious.

Tomorrow I might go to cricket with father and brothers, and Monday I'm into london for a festival job interview, and then want to go talk to this tattoo artist who's work looks awesome about the possibility of her doing my upper right arm piece when I can afford it!