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Have some pictures of my new tattoo. It's a bit shiny what with the gunk I've been putting on it, and my right arm is about twice the size of my left, and webcam's are hard to take pictures on, but I love love love it.


Tattoo and gratuitious face shotsCollapse )
I sort of feel continuously shit right now, and I'm mad at myself about this because in the grand scheme of things, and considering what a bunch of my friends are going through, I really have no reason to be anything but fine right now.

My weight, as nearly always, is bothering me so much right now. I actually lost quite a bit in America which is odd, normally I put weight on because there's so much out there I want to eat, but this time I was ill in New York, and spent quite a bit of time feeling anxious in Chicago so sort of didn't want to eat as much as usual. However since coming back I've felt ridiculously unattractive near constantly, and despite having bought quite a few new outfits recently every day when I try and get dressed for whatever I'm doing I feel fat and ugly in every outfit and sort of just want to go back to bed and not have to see anyone.

Paradoxically I'm also vaguely lonely, which on the one hand is perhaps to be expected when I'm living at home and all my friends are off at uni, but at the same time I was lonely all of last year whilst living at uni myself, and at least I've been going to see people, and people have been visiting. Diane is going to be staying with me again for an indefinite period of time soon so that might solve the lonliness problem.

On top of that all I've been doing recently is ridic long shifts at work, coming home to sleep, and waking up ridic early to go to either the next shift at work, or uni where I inevitably end up getting offended by one of the people I hang out with. Today my uni lecturer Jarno, who is often pretty un pc anyway said something I found transphobic and insulting. He said "if you have a problem with it, take it up with Teresa" (a faculty head I guess) and I don't know if I should or not, but I did find it offensive. Anyway all of this just leaves me feeling tired and annoyed and it all seems fairly pointless because I owe so much money, and don't have time to spend it and mostly I just want to sleep and not bother with anything for a week or so.

Annnnyyyywwwaaaayyyy. Self indulgent whining aside, on Friday when my money comes through I want to treat myself with what I have left of my earnings, so I'll finish with a poll:

What ridiculous dvd should I buy to cheer myself up?

Merlin Series One
Star Trek
Neither of these, they both suck (pick this option and you're wrong by default :p )

Jun. 14th, 2009

Tonight I did the thing where I cry for no reason whatsoever, and every reason I can think of, for the first time since moving back from Wycombe. I sort of hoped maybe I was over that, but apparently not. Joy.

On the plus side I had something in my eye that had been irritating me for a good half hour and I couldn't get it out, but then the tears washed it out so that's something.

Whine whine mope etc.
I wish I didn't over think things so often. I spend so much time analysing, and getting angry or paranoid about situations and it just stresses me out more than anything.

But for all the time I spend thinking about situations, I'm so bad at actually confronting the people involved in them. It would be awesome to be able to people about how miserable they made me, or tell someone that I really like them, or talk about how I feel about things, but I can never make myself get the words out. Instead I guess I'll just carry on with the inner monologues and over thinking.

Ho hum. Today puppy is getting his last set of injections, after that he'll be able to go for walks. I intend to take him on lots of walks so he'll maybe sleep all night and not wake me up at 5am. Tomorrow I think I'll take him to cricket, where everyone will get annoyed with him very quickly!
The past couple of days have been odd. Full of ups and downs. Having nice things said to you by nice people tends to help though. Mainly I've just been watching lots of TV, puppy watching, and feeling wistful and hopeful.

As of Tuesday I gave in my last assignment, so technically I'm free for the summer, however I have:

A four day work placement as a Sound Assistant at a festival at the end of June. (I'm ridiculously excited about this, because I really want to learn more about the technical set up of the stage, and this job will include doing sound checks, and set up and the like).

To do a lot of work for my mother, admin stuff in her company, in return for the puppy she helped me get.

Find a regular job in order to fund the trip to America, and in particular Chicago that I want to take in September, with a wonderful person to see some wonderful people.

As well as watching far too much tv yesterday, I was at least mildly productive in that I voted for the first time ever. If I'm being honest, the main reason I felt compelled to vote was because I got so involved and worked up over the American elections that it would have been slightly hypocritical to not vote in elections affecting my own country. And also because of the BNP and the fact that I'm so worried they're going to gain a lot of seats in the European parliament.

Today as well as watching tv I made cakes. Chocolate butterfly cakes to be precise, and they are pretty darn good, I just need someone else to come home so I can force people to compliment on my ok baking skills.


My new bookshelves, full of 'goth books' and 'books about dragons'. Also my pin boards which will be put up just as soon as I paint my walls. I can't wait to spam you all with pictures of my finished bedroom.
I was debating on whether or not I actually wanted to address this in an lj post, but I've been itching for a good rant for a while now and at least this topic is unlikely to offend anyone on my flist.

Earlier today some twitters by someone who's online presence I vaguely know were brought to my attention. This person essentially said that anti-prop 8 was just a fashionable thing right now, and that most of the people she knows getting worked up about it weren't even gay or from Cali.

This made me so incredibly furious because here's the thing, I'm bi so I at least fit into one of this persons groups of people who are allowed to be concerned by gay rights, but just because I'm not from California means I'm not allowed to be outraged, upset, and incredibly disappointed by the fact that somewhere in the world people of the same orientation as me can no longer marry the person they love. If we're going to be pedantic about it, as well as not living in California I also personally don't really ever want to get married (unless I get a green card out of it) that doesn't mean I don't think everyone out there who wants to get married should be able to. Denni isn't gay, and doesn't live in California, she still bought a Legalize Gay shirt, she's still utterly disappointed and furious over this ruling, she's not allowed to care about equal rights regardless of geography and own personal orientation.

This person later went on to say that its the same way that black people who have never been to Africa can't get hurt and offended over 'their people being slaves' (sarcastic speech marks her emphasis not mine) so I guess this outright ignorance towards civil rights issues in general probably means I shouldn't get too worked up over her views.

But I guess this is something that annoys me about people in general, this idea that if something doesn't affect you directly, or if you can't personally do anything about it, there's no point in talking about it, or complaining about it because it won't make a difference. But to quote that picture of William Beckett, I refuse to be a casualty of this indifference. I know that half the time reading this stuff is going to make me angry, I know that right now there's little I can do, I know that even if I do move to America its unlikely that California will be the state I choose, but that doesn't mean I can not get upset by it, it doesn't mean that I'm not so furious that people feel the need to take away other peoples right to love who they want and marry who they want and live the life they want for whatever selfish petty reasons they think give them this right.

And it frustrates me that people who clearly arent homophobic, who have glbt friends, or are fans glbt tv shows/musicians/actors just don't see the point in getting involved, or being invested in rulings like this, or actively having and expressing an opinion they have about these issues, just because it won't actively make a huge difference.

I don't know, I think I repeated myself in this a lot post, but yesterdays ruling, even though it was what I expected to happen sadly, upset me a lot. And no, I'm not from California, no I'm not even from America, but that doesn't stop me being utterly furious, utterly disappointed and incredibly upset that Prop 8 was not overturned.
I'm currently up in Scotland for a week, staying on the Isle of Skye, to scatter my granny's ashes on thursday, on some remote beach called Taskavaig. The weather was pretty miserable until half an hour ago whereupon the sun has come out vaguely, and I have a disgustingly bad cold which doesn't help matters. (I also went for a swim in the sea this morning, which probably didn't help the cold, but I was all but bed ridden because of it yesterday and got bored of feeling ill).

I feel the need to rant about everything, anything and nothing in particular. Mainly I just want to rant but the various topics I could choose to talk about would probably end up offending someone and I just can't be bothered to deal with the aftermath.

Tomorrow California is going to announce its ruling on prop 8. I may end up ringing someone (probably Rach<3) once I discover the results because I'm staying on Skye with my dads side of the family and their views all range from mildly to extremely homophobic and so will neither understand, nor care why I'm getting worked up over it. Either way I really hope the ruling gets overturned, I couldn't stand for it to not.

Last Thursday I got a puppy! He's a daschund x chiahuaha (or however its spelt) but he looks a lot more daschund than that weirdly spelt breed. He's called Loki, but I had to leave him at mums whilst up in Scotland as he hasn't had his injections yet so he can't go out. He's beautiful though, I love him.

I miss America a lot right now, but there's a vague idea I might go out there at the end of September which will depend entirely on my loan but we'll see.

Matthew has been watching Torchwood with me at the moment and is enjoying it quite a bit, even despite the occasional display of boy kissing boy. Bless him.

A vague rant about sexism...

Last night I saw Gallows and ETID again with Denni (<3) and this time Rolo Tomassi were supporting. I've seen them once before and I never quite know what I think about their music. Because the rhythm is really weird and disjointeds and everytime I start getting into a song they change tempo and its confusing.

Their singer however, is this girl Eva. She's petite and somewhat adorable looking and you look at her and think she'lll sound like Hayley Williams or something, but then she starts singing and she properly roars. Its always a little unexpected.

Both times I've seen them live though I've wanted to punch someone. Last time it was when they supported Ghost of a Thousand, and there were a couple of guys behind me muttering a load sexist crap, but at least they were just muttering to themselves so it wasn't so bad. Last night, after the first song two guys yelled "you're fit" which...well if they'd left it at that it wouldn't have been so bad, but in the silence between every song they'd yell variations of things like "you like being fucked up the arse" "there's a party in my pants, and you're invited" "show us your birthday suit" (as she mentioned that it had been her birthday yesterday, and it just got more and more vile as the set went on.

Amusingly she's dating Stef Carter, and he appeared sidestage about three songs in staring out at the crowd and looking so utterly furious, and if Stef Carter was looking at me like he was those guys I would not still be standing there yelling insults, I would've been out of the building in a flash, fearing for my life.

I get that heckling happens at shows a lot, especially with support acts, but the stuff they were saying was so disgusting, and was clearly because she was an attractive girl, and she was looking so flustered by the end of it that it made me really angry. And I know that with attractive guy band members you'll get the girls that'll scream things at them, but that's mainly just "I love you" and "marry me" which, let's face it, is fairly harmless, and not at all threatening. On top of that, the guys doing the yelling were an ugly pair of cunts that no girl would want to go anywhere near anyway!

So yeah, I think I want to see if Eva will let me interview her for my dissertation. I was going to ask her after the gig last night but I forgot so I'll have to find some sort of online contact instead.

I have bruises on my bruises, and a really sore spot on my ribs, which means that when I get a massage tonight to sort my back out, I'm going to have to lie on my front and that's going to absolutely kill!
So many gigs at the moment. Which I'm not going to complain about because once they're over I have nothing planned for a very long time, and also can't afford anything either!

But yes, so obviously I saw the (nearly) always fantastic Placebo on Sunday. Then Tuesday night I saw Gallows with ETID supporting. Not only did I get to see Denni and Rach, who were as wonderful as ever, but I got to meet Rosie who id heard about but never met, and she was fairly awesome as well.

As for the bands...well. They played really well, but the crowd was utterly shit. I went in for all of ETID because I love them*, them and Cobra Starship (a wonderful combination I know) were the two bands I watched every single day on Warped Tour, and they played really well but the audience mainly just stood there and bopped a bit, which wasn't fun.

And then Gallows...they're the headlining band, people were supposed to be excited to see them play! As it is the first minute or so of each song there would be a bit of movement, but it fizzled out by the end of each song. We watched from the side for most of it because we were going out straight after, but I went in during Orchestra of Wolves, expecting it to be as crazy as it normally is for that song, and beyond an overabundance of drunk, underage girls, dancing really badly, it wasn't that great at all. So yes, Galllows and ETID = fantastic, the audience=a bit shit really.

And then there were the onstage antics! So first, during a song, Frank went a little bit crazy, as is his want, and started smashing up his mic really badly, and really randomly, and then he walked to the front of his stage and threw his busted up mic into the audience...and then his sound guy walked onto the stage, and I assumed he was going to fix up a new mic but no...he shoved Frank right off the stage in anger! A security guy caught Frank apparently, which is pretty funny and also, good reflexes! And I'm fairly sure Frank went to punch the guy because the next thing you know Stef Carter has leapt off the stage and is seen shoving Frank backstage as fast as possible. Let's be honest...even if you're not scared of the fact that Frank is quite likely to fuck you up for shoving him around, its a little bit unprofessional to shove the singer of the band hiring you offstage, even if he is smashing up his (own) mic!

And then when the band came back onto the stage Frank did a bit of talking and explaining, they start playing the next song, and thirty seconds in have to stop again because Lags knocked himself out with his own guitar...which was both impressive and also quite funny...

However! On Sunday I'm seeing ETID do a headlining show, for the first time ever as I've only ever seen them support or at festivals before, at Exeter, with the added bonus of visiting the wonderful Elly, so that'll be awesome, and then on Tuesday I'm seeing Gallows and ETID again in Portsmouth as Denni is that fond of my company that she's paying for me to go, because she's wonderful!

*Ironically, the first time I saw ETID live was way back in November 05, when they supported Chem the first time I saw Chem live, and I hadn't been into 'rock' music for very long, so thought they were far too loud, and they scared me a little bit! (A lot). This fact still makes me laugh, considering how much I love them these days!
This evening I saw Placebo live for the first time in around two years and it was wonderful. Brian's hair is ridiculous, but that's ok, I was expecting it. The new songs, from what I could hear, all sound pretty darn good, I'm excited for the album to actually come out.

However, because on the London Placebo date I'm going to be in Nottingham for Rach's birthday, Gallows, and ETID (woop) I went and saw Placebo in Bournemouth...and have to get a coach back at 3:05 am. So I've just spent the past hour and 45 minutes attempting to sleep, curled up, outside the bus station, look much like a homeless person, but it's really really cold and I don't have a coat because I'm an idiot. Luckily I found a 24hr petrol station that just served me a cup of hot chocolate, and I'm sitting inside this covered car park that has enough walls that its considerably warmer than the bus station, and there's only an hour and a half left until my coach so I will hopefully survive.

A very drunk elderly man just drove the last car out of the car park, after having an extremely energised, but unintelligble, conversation with the homeless man sitting in the opposite corner of my car park. My life, so hard.